THE JUDGE SAYS (rating): Damn you Marky Mark. Damn you straight to hell.
CONTRABAND
Marky Mark saves idiot kid brother-in-law from bad guys by coming out of retirement as a not original in any way shape or form smuggler.
Let me start off by first saying this movie was fucking retarded. OK, for no apparent reason MM’s (Marky Mark) best lifelong friend betrays him, so much so, at one point he gets drunk and they insinuate this guy is going to rape his wife. Literally out of nowhere. This guy was the Best Man at his wedding and best friend since childhood yet they all of a sudden say he is now a rat and wants to screw his wife. Oh yeah, so then, later, the wife is tipped off that this best friend is creepy, OUT OF THIN AIR, almost as if she was watching the movie and was privy to all the newfound information we had on the guy, which of course, she did not. When she goes to his house to pick up her stuff, (she’s hiding from bad guys at this point) he scares her into locking herself into the bathroom. As he tries to bust down the door with his shoulder, she, on the other side of the locked door which is still intact, is thrown down across the room, knocking her out. When he finally gets in she is presumed dead. Obviously, when you see someone knocked out on the floor you instantly think wrap her in plastic and bury her in cement at a construction site. Thank god that’s what he did instead of checking her pulse. Just incase you were thinking killing her was the plan all along, no, it wasn’t. He sulked for awhile, paced back and forth, “thinking”. Presumably he was regretting his actions, only then to come up with the whole plastic and cement idea. Again, never did checking her pulse come up as a possible plan of action.
But enough of that for now, lets get to the idiot brother. At one point when MM is trying to save the day by pulling off a heist, the wifes’ idiot brother (who got them into the mess) just gets up and leaves with the money to do a different job while MM is inside negotiating with bad guys. No fucking way. Seriously. The kid just gets up and takes the money in the middle of a heist, to try to fix it himself. This actually happened. This was one of their “plot twists”. Unfathomable. No, not the unfathomable, Kevin Spacey wasn’t a gimp after all and he was playing the cop the whole time. This is the unfathomable, how the hell did they get this movie made.
OK, back to the best friend. So, MM catches this dude red handed trying to bury his wife on the construction site. I’m thinking, we’re going to see psycho MM from Fear bash his face in and drown him in cement. If not that, then several other equally bad ass ways to kill the man who just tried to murder your wife. Oh yeah, I said “tried” because it turns out warm lighting in a hospital room and an IV cure severe head trauma and suffocation. But no, upon saving his wife and catching her killer who is no less than 20 feet away from him, he does nothing. That’s right folks, he doesn’t even yell at him. End scene with lifeless wife in his arms. No fight.
Now cut to the best friend in prison getting surrounded by thugs. Again, no murder. We just have to assume they are going to do something awful to him. You know, this douche bag MM did this to us before. You remember the Italian Job? They left the fun dirty blood and guts murder torture scene to anonymous bad guys to do it for him in that one too. Bullshit. If he wants to be an action hero and have us think that if people are going to pay if they fuck with him, he needs to balls up and start impaling bad guys in the temple with a wooden spoon. Remember the last time Donald Sutherland was wrongfully murdered? Russell Crow slid a knife slowly into said bad guys throat slash brain. That’s how Mr. Crowe got an Oscar, pay attention Marky Mark. Next time someone kills Donald Sutherland or tries to murder your wife you kill that bastard, personally. And it better be in some new awesome way we haven’t seen before.
I don’t even think Kate Beckinsale losing the shirt, which she didn’t, could have saved this movie. Please, don’t watch this movie. Life is too precious. Take five minutes of those two hours I saved you and call your parents. Tell them you love them. Maybe go to the store and pick out a plant for your living room. I don’t know what exactly you should do with this extra time I have now given you to enjoy this beautiful life. I only know it should not be spent watching this movie. Thank you for reading, and until next time, GB².
