INTERSTELLAR

THE JUDGE SAYS: Christopher Nolan, go back to making Indies. Nonsensical-wonder-what-logic only works when you’re 22, high, and stumble upon Momento as an excuse to skip doing homework.

     Damn, seriously, I have to stop getting my hopes up for movies. You can see how I was duped here though. The dude turns down a bunch of movies and waits years to get all the top A-List actors to do his “genre breaking” space movie. I’m thinking a once in a generation movie. I’m thinking ALIEN. I’m thinking 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. I’ll even be happy with STARGATE or STARMAN. It’s safe to say I was not prepared for an idiotic, frustrating plot.  And I certainly wasn’t prepared for,

     Let’s throw them a bone here, the movie is visually stunning, but it’s tough to appreciate when you want to karate-punch everything in the throat. Oh, I got it. I know how to make this movie great.  Just mentally cast Steven Segal in place of McConaughey. So, if you disregard my suggestion and go see this movie, just imagine Matthew McConaughey as Steven Segal and all of the gratuitous emotion and seriousness will be tempered.

Ok, back to the plot. SPOILERS. And just so you know, it isn’t me spoiling the movie, it’s everyone involved in making this crap that spoiled it. They ruined the movie, I’m just telling you about it. So the easiest way to explain how nonsensical this movie is, is by explaining their perceived goals, then analyzing how they go about them. You will find the “how they go about them” is what is completely convoluted, illogical, and almost intentionally irrational in order to add a mystical element. It’s so silly that at one point you just throw your hands up and say, “I guess he really wanted a damn ghost.”

HERE IS THE MAIN OBJECTIVE: Human existence on Earth is going to end within a few generations for some unavoidable reason.  The few leading scientists left on Earth try to devise a Plan A, that transports a good amount of people on Earth to a habitual planet, and a Plan B, that starts a little human colony from fertilized eggs on a habitable planet.

     At this point everything seams on the up and up. They add a little bit of mysticism next, but you just kinda have to go with it, because, well because it’s interesting, and necessary for there to be a movie. Someone has put a wormhole next to Saturn. We inherently know how to navigate it to get anywhere in the known Universe quickly… We’re just going to have to swallow that one whole. I accept that, I don’t need them wasting time telling us some garbage how they know. Done, we can move on. This movie is building positive momentum.

     What would you do next? Send a scout team?

     Exactly. They do just that. They send 12 of them. 12 human scientist scouts. Clap, applaud, all of that. But this is where the movie, by not using deductive logic, causes a galactic shit storm. The whole movie could have been smooth and easy. The problem is, they called one of the options PLAN B, insinuating it could not be attempted until PLAN A was fully exhausted. If they would have just called it PLAN EGG, and PLAN RELOCATE POPULATION, they could have attempted both simultaneously. Misconstruing the ability of deploying Plan B is at the very heart of what ruined this movie.

     ALL OF THE SCOUT TEAMS COULD HAVE JUST TAKEN A SMALL EGG COLONY TO EACH OF THE PLANETS. Done! There would have been some hope on the back burner that one or all of these colonies would flourish. The rest of the movie could be spent on trying to save the people left on Earth.

     INSTEAD, they send one McConaughey/Hathaway ship with one egg colony on it. This ship needs to find the one planet that they can plant the eggs and tent, then they are supposedly free to come back to Earth. Now remember, this would all be ABSOLUTLY POINTLESS if they just sent eggs and tents with the human scouts. Since they didn’t, we know spend a majority of the movie making up for this.

     We can take a couple things for granted from here on out. People are going to unnecessarily lie a lot, and Magic Mike should have sent better fucking messages. You know what, we don’t even need to go over the 2 hours of drama and pining by McConaughey over his daughter. The point is, the main scientist on Earth, Micheal Cain, and the main scientist on one of the 12 possible planets…

lied about there ever being a PLAN A. It didn’t exist. We are going to skip the whole 25 minutes of Matt Damon making this unbearable and you’re just going to have to take my word for it. Just know, those who about the fake Plan A are distraught or dead. Everyone on Earth was just left to die. The movie wines about this for a solid 20 minutes before they move on.

            When they finally do move on, they say, Plan A was a dud because the rest of the information to the key equation rests in a black hole (different from the wormhole). That was there legitimate excuse. Now this is where it gets downright stupefying, brace yourself for entry.

            Anne Hathaway and EDTV now have enough fuel to check out one last planet, to plant the eggs on. They will not be able to make it back to Earth. Just as they are about to go on their mery way and plant the colony, McConaughey uses some logic for once and thinks, hell, how about I try out this black hole thing and see if I can get the other half of the equation to save the people on Earth? No one thought of this yet, by the way.

            What do you know, he goes into the black hole, with a sidekick computer, and they survive! Turns out the center of a black hole is his daughters bedroom at any time in his history. This is not a joke. This is where they went with this. The daughter earlier in the movie kept saying ghosts were trying to talk to her in her room, and you know what, as we all gasp, SHE WAS RIGHT! The Ghost was her father from the 5^th dimension black hole future trying to horribly communicate to her!

            You are not allowed to walk out of the theatre yet. You have spent 142 minutes in that chair, you have 26 minutes left in you. SIT DOWN. It was established very early that the child/girl/daughter knows Morse code. Instead of giving the child concise instructions, saving years and years of effort and many lives, he waits until she is an adult to give her the other half of the equation they got from the black hole. Face Palm. You may be thinking, oh, but he needed a specific object to communicate with her that didn’t exist until later. Nope, he can do just about anything by just saying it from the black hole bedroom and bam, it just happens.

            Well, eventually she gets the code and we are left to assume she was able to vacate the entire planet. NO. Whats that? They didn’t end up on one of those 12 planets. McConaughey gets spit out of the black hole, intact, infront of a Saturn Space Station? Fuck you! Seriously. How does a movie this big get away with this shit? So, it’s like 120ish years later now because the black hole sucks up time to the extent of one lifetime, not exponentially, like anyone would be lead to believe by a rudimentary understanding of spacetime. He ends up on a space station that his daughter invented based on the numbers he sent her as a ghost. Touching I know. Oh bastard, now he’s going to get to keep his promise to her, that he’d come back. Some one shoot him, please. So, even though its 120 years later, his daughter is still alive. They hug, don’t say a word about the progress of the species other than acknowledging the are a couple of these tiny space stations, but she spends a majority of this nauseatingly sappy conversation saying how she knew it was him sending the messages, even though in all this fucking code he sent her HE NEVER ONCE SAID, THIS IS YOUR FATHER TALKING TO YOU FROM THE 5^TH DIMENSION OF A BLACK HOLE.

            That would have been the first thing I said. Number one. But no, he never sends her a single message saying its him. SHOOT THIS MAN! Now it’s supposed to be touching that she “thought” it was him. HE COULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD HER!

            Arggggg. So Surfer Dude is still a young man now, so he says fuck this saving everyone and helping them understand black holes. He steals a damn spaceship and goes straight to Anne Hathaway, which, somehow, we are lead to believe has been left unattended for 120 Earth years. Don’t give these people your money. Thank you for reading, and until next time GB²

FURY

Who’da thunk’it? When’s the last time one of these big budget films exceeded your expectations? Well, they did it this time. This movie was good, all kinds of good. Even Shia LaBeouf with a mustache couldn’t ruin this movie.

The movie was blatant, an exposed nerve.   Nothing was played up or cheap. There weren’t any nauseating tugs at the heart strings. There was nothing nostalgic, or nationalistic, or picturesque, or monumental, or symbolic, or utopic, or dystopic… There was evil and good on both sides. Plainly, it looked like WAR, in all caps, or what any of us who have never been in one would imagine it might be. A war without the spotlight of significance associated with a famous battle or day. The only spotlight was on the tank, and the actions of the men inside it.

They were imperfect, but just.  Maybe not just, but who am I to say. I will refer to one quote for you, being as I believe it is what the whole movie is about, “Ideals are peaceful, history is violent.”

Sure, I can tell you the tank battles were original and completely riveting, but I can’t go into my normal spiel and jokes because I genuinely suggest going out to the theater and seeing this for yourself. So, that’s all I got for ya this time folks. Thank you for reading, and until next time GB².

SOME GOOD MOVIES TO RENT

Of course it’s easy to make fun of bad movies, but eventually, you come across a couple that make it worth sitting through all of the Solaris’s and After Earth’s. Yes, there are good movies out there in the world you can rent this weekend.  If they’re not on Netflix or On Demand, you can still find just about every movie ever on You Tube for about $2-$5. So whether you’re sitting in front of the TV this weekend because you are exhausted from work, hungover, or your favorite football team has become unbearable to watch, here are a few movies you can feel confident spending close to two hours of your life on, and 2-5 dollars of your hard earned money. 

This week’s genres are: Gloriously Peculiar Comedies; Not Just Bearable, But Actually Interesting Mysteries; and Absurdly Over-The-Top Action Flicks.

Gloriously Peculiar Comedy:                   
THE BROTHERS SOLOMON

Good God this movie makes me piss myself every time I’ve ever seen it. Unfortunately any quotes I would give you, would be out of context and you’d likely call the authorities on me. They are dead-pan, creepy but lovable, and "completely self-unaware albino teen" awkward, not "Ben Stiller" awkward. They would have had me hooked with just the first line of the premise: Imagine Gob (from Arrested Development) as a home-schooled PHD raised in Antarctica… Done. Need say no more. I’m in. The rest of the plot is ridiculous in the realm of Hot Rod, but I dare say it is more mature being as they attempt to teach themselves how to be good parents throughout the movie. Seriously though, start to finish, if you just relax and get in a good mood, every line can be funny. That being said, prerequisites include being in a good mood and watching it with 1 or more people.  

Not Just Bearable, But Actually Interesting Mystery:                       
FRACTURE

Look at those two superstars on the movie poster with those serious scowls. They look so smart, and mad, and condescending. I think that’s a good depiction of the whole film. At any moment each of them is going to be one of those things, and I can guarantee you 10 minutes later it will be different.

You see, we’ve been inundated with so many damn cop and murder shows that it’s pretty tough not to see it coming 15 minutes into any movie. The trick with this movie, that makes it better than so many others trying to do the same damn thing, is that they actually distract you with character development. Sure, if you paused the movie 30-40 minutes into it you might be able to break it down as to what’s going to happen, but you don’t worry about that. Each of the characters displays a wide enough range of motivations and dispositions that you actually get caught up in the scenes, and their interaction. It’s astonishing. I don’t know if the bar is just embarrassingly low, or if we were actually blessed with an excellent murder mystery. I’m going to be optimistic today and lean towards the latter. Definitely worth a watch if you haven’t already. And yes ladies, Mr. Gosling does lose the shirt and bump uglies with a lady.

Absurdly Over-The-Top Action Flick:               
KNIGHT AND DAY

As you can see, I feel like this movie needed another photo to emphasize my point. This is not a Tom Clancy, serious, action, mystery.  People are going to do somersaults from moving vans on to motorcycles jumping off a bridge type of shit here. Just let it happen. It’s fucking entertaining… I know what else you’re going to say. “I hate Tom Cruise. He’s a midget Scientologist.”

Hey! That’s mean. That’s religiousist. Wait, is that a word? Well, you know what I mean. Just because he jumped around on a sofa like a crack head on Oprah a couple years ago doesn’t mean you need to hold it against him for the rest of his life. He makes some damn good movies every once in a while. This one, the one I’m recommending, he was great in it. He carried the whole movie. He’s supposed to be this badass Bond-type superagent, but every time he does or says anything, it’s done completely nonchalant and matter-of-factly, no matter how many bullets are flying overhead. Cameron Diaz at times will be taken aback by his calm demeanor and say something to the tune of, “LOUD NOISE WHAT #$%%^, WHY, RABBLE RABBLE!” At which point Cruise will give her the “well, there no sense talking to you at this point look,” and affectionately taps her on the neck with sleepy juice because carrying her through bad guys is less detrimental then listening to her talk. C’mon, now. That’s funny. Fortunately for women everywhere, she does grow from a loud hot obnoxious blonde all the way to a reliable teammate.

          So I ask you, get over your Cruise and Diaz hatred. Give them 109 minutes and let them entertain you. Thank you for reading, and until next time GB².

BRICK MANSIONS

THE JUDGE SAYS: This movie really crashed and burned, just like… well, just as you likely expected.

Hollywood is so sort on original films that they’re remaking mid-00’s French parkour movies. The second lead, “Kermit the Gymnast,” actually made this exact same movie six years ago, called D13:U. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, I call him Kermit, because he is French. The only English he knows is fully comprised within his seven lines through the entire movie. I know this because I actually watched the extra features. They’re all subtitles. Anyway, there is one notable difference in this film, they thoroughly expanded on the narrative that “ducking” is the most effective technique when fighting dozens of bad guys with guns.  Now, if you’re thinking that concept is absurd, oh boy will you feel stupid after watching this movie. They prove, over a dozen times, that in order to avoid imminent death when facing a small army of armed gangsters, all one needs to do is, share an assuring glance with their partner, duck, and run away. It’s an amazing technique. My only guess as to why films haven’t emphasized this move before is probably because it’s utterly ridiculous. 

But let’s go big picture. What are we saving the world from today? Now, say it in a scary voice: Predatory Condo Developers! AHHHHH!... No, but seriously, the bad buys want to take over the projects and put up beautiful apartments, parks, and high-end stores. So, how would you say one might go about this endeavor? If your first guess was the secret bad guys are the mayor and a lowly detective, and they would advertently place an activated neutron bomb in the hands of the projects’ drug kingpin, then, ding, ding, ding. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! That is what we are working with here. Even though their objective is rather bland, I do have to give them points for the preposterous manner in which they plan to achieve it.

Moving forward, in a way, what initially was beyond peculiar, somewhat makes sense. The bad guys actually want the ticking bomb to go off, so they only send in one-single-solitary-lone-cop, a parkoury Paul Walker, to stop a neutron bomb from going off in a major metropolitan city. You as the viewer, whom are still lead to believe that the drug kingpin is the real bad guy (probably due to seeing him callously murder several underlings), may be sitting there saying, “No fucking way! A neutron bomb is about to be go off in an American city and they don’t even as much pick up the phone to call the F.B.I.? A bomb squad? No one?” Well, once that happens, you can officially check out from any rational thought. From this point forward, any predictions you may try to make are based off multiple wholly implausible premises.

Ok, I’ll back up for a second; harping on logic in action movies might seem a bit unnecessary.  You know what else was unnecessary? Kermit the Frog’s shirt. Kermit, the second lead, the more parkourish of the two, rarely, if ever wears a shirt. They never really dignified it with a reason. Dude just never wore a shirt. You know what else they never acknowledged? Kermit’s girlfriend worked at the local mom and pop diner wearing a tiny catholic school girl’s outfit. A grown-ass-woman waitress at a mom and pop diner wears a Britney Spears costume to work? I’ll let it slide because of the chick fight later, but seriously, were we just supposed to go, “Sure, that makes sense.” The bad girl who she inevitably rolls around on the floor with in a sweaty mess, wasn’t any better. The bad girl was wearing a bra, underwear, and sporadic fishnets. My guess is Emma Watson turned down the role.

So, back to the bomb. It takes about 20 minutes of Paul Walker and Kermit literally butting heads and getting in car chases before they realize they should be on the same team. Now that they are buddy’s, and we the viewer have watched about seven fight scenes and four chase scenes, guess what their awesome plan is to infiltrate the kingpins lair and disarm the bomb? You guessed it, they walk through the front door, unarmed, and try to ask him nicely. Whats that you say? That is incomprehensible? Well you would be right. There wasn’t even an elaborate “ducking and running” scene. Even though the kingpin has been furious with these two, and has ordered their death on several occasions, now he simply tells one thoroughly mentally challenged goon to take them to the basement. He didn’t even tie them up. This actually happened. Fortunately after this wise decision, we get what we wanted, another elaborate unarmed “ducking and running” scene.

While all of this ducking and running is going on, our kingpin, oh my God, I forgot to tell you, the kingpin is RZA. Yeah, that RZA, from Wu-Tang. Holy shit, at one point, while espousing to his henchmen he even says, “Cash Rules Everything Around Me.”… Sadness overtakes you. The Old Dirty Bastard must have rolled over in his grave. Now that we understand the levels of depravity they were willing to sink to in this movie, let’s continue with what the kingpin was doing while Walker and Kermit were doing their ducking thing. So, the RZA was demanding $30 million from the mayor (remember, the mayor is a bad guy). The mayor says, oh sure, no problem, I’ll send the money to your Hawaii accounts. What? Hawaii accounts? Holy shit, they don’t understand the concept of an off shore account.

This is where it gets super foggy. RZA and the bad girl eventually threaten to strap the bomb to a missile and shoot it over to the nice part of town, because, well, fuck those rich people. This is actually a legitimate threat. Good job Rza. Oh my, the ending of this is such a mess, this is going to be a daunting task to break down practically.  Ok, RZA makes his threat expecting to get paid. He agrees to turn off the bomb once his “Hawaiian Accounts” show that the money has been transferred. Fast forward, the money never transfers, the mayor actually just stole all of the money that was in RZA’s accounts. Understandably, RZA is none too pleased, but now, this man who sells hundreds of kilos of drugs, and has coldheartedly kills several of his own henchmen, he now becomes the moral compass of the film. He tells the bad girl, the one wearing a bra, underwear, and fishnets, that he is going to disarm the bomb because he doesn’t need people to die for no reason. He just wanted to get paid, because, “Cash Rules Everything Around Me.” Just when I lose faith in him, he goes and completely redeems himself.

The bad girl loses her shit over this new revelation and decides to take matters in her own hands. She goes to launch this missile/bomb to Nicetown.  But meanwhile, Walker and Kermit have just finished ducking passed the last goon and finally got ahold of a riffle. They shoot out the navigation/signal, or some type of box next to the missile, just in time before fishnets presses send.

Well, there’s a chick fight mixed in there too, and somehow RZA gets to the bomb, which was located on the adjacent rooftop before Walker & Kermit, just in time to humbly explain to Kermit’s girlfriend, who just won the chick fight, that he doesn’t want to send the bomb. She instantly understands this new, caring RZA. When Walker & Kermit show up to dismantle it, they are all instant friends. Now, just a little refresher. This bomb was on a timer which has been ticking practically the whole movie. Walker’s goal this whole time was to defy glaring odds to get to the bomb, then put in a code to dismantle it. Now that everyone is here on the roof, all on the same page, they look at the code, and guess what? The code is the zip code for the projects that they are currently in. What kind of stupid fucking coincidence is that? Kermit stops Walker and says in so many words, “that is extremely peculiar that the disarming code is the zip code for the very place we and the bomb currently are.” Kermit doesn’t want Walker to put the code in. They begin to fight over this.

Let’s take a time out right here. The logic is so awful from every standpoint that it is difficult to pick a perspective, but being as the ultimate bad guys, the mayor and the detective, made the worst decisions in the whole matter, I think its best we focus on them. Now there is one key piece of information that pulls all of the stupidity all together. KERMIT WAS RIGHT! the zip code was peculiar. The countdown was fake, only punching in the zip code would have set it off.

That being said, if the mayor and the detective wanted the bomb to go off, why didn’t they activate the fucking bomb like we all assumed it was in the first place? So, the mayor knew it wasn’t actually active, and in order to make it active, someone had to punch in this secret code that only he had. So after that fuck up, what did he do? He sent one fucking dude with the code against an entire army of gangsters. How fucking realistic was that? Did he really think Walker was going to make it all the way to the bomb in order to put in the code to set it off? He had access to the entire Police force. He could have sent as many people as he wanted. Oh, and the code! Let’s say Walker does make it. Why choose a number that in any way raises suspicion about your evil plan? They could have picked 12345. Why pick the fucking zip code of the projects you’re trying to blow up. And no, the answer is not a GPS missile locator. The code went into the briefcase bomb which just so happened to be strapped later to a missile. UUUGGGGHHHH. Absolutely none of this whatsoever was necessary! He could have just activated it in the first place like every other fucking bomb in the history of time. Done. Movie over. Beautiful Condos. Enjoy your penthouse.

Now that we understand this entire movie was pointless, I do want to point out one redeeming facet. Kermit, for as ridiculous as he is, he really murdered the shit out of a guy. He gets put in jail at one point by a crooked cop. This cop also let the bad guys take his girlfriend who we could only assume at that point was going to be raped and murdered. Well, Kermit wasn’t too happy about this. He calls the cop over while he’s behind bars to talk shit. The cop is more than obliged to walk over to the cell and rub it in. Wrong move! The cop gets too close. Kermit punches him in the stomach through the bars. While the cop is keeled over in pain, Kermit grabs his head, pulls it through the horizontal food slot, climbs the bars to the ceiling, then does a knee drop through the cops head. Holy shit it was absolutely brutal. Oh, and this movie was rated PG-13. I hope that leaves you on a happy note. Well, thank you for reading, and until next time, GB².

GONE GIRL

                                                  

THE JUDGE SAYS:             DERRRR, They put word’s in sentence form and I watched the story in my head. Now they change words into moving pictures and I can watch the story with my eyes. YAY!... Ben Affleck!

                Law & Order SVU meets, I’m sorry, I had a deadline and didn’t have time to write a plausible ending... But it’s got Ben Affleck! And like, lots people have read the book. Did you know it was a book?

“OMG, the book is soooo awesome. I mean, the twists in it; it’s the smartest book I’ve read, in like, a long time.”

                Turns out, we need to stop implying there is inherent worth in the act of reading. People “read” horoscopes. People “read” pamphlets on creationism. People “read” Gone Girl.

                Let’s get back to what I was thinking before I saw the movie... Murder mysteries are usually a solid bet. Hell, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was pretty good, minus all the rapy stuff. Oh, wait, Gone Girl? This girl is going to be abducted. Someone is probably going to do some awful things to her. I don’t think I want to watch 150 minutes (yeah, 2&½ hours) of detectives speculating on how a woman was chopped up. Damn it, is that what this movie is, a 2&½ hour SVU episode? No, it’s gotta be more Dragony. The Dragon Lady was the badass in the movie. Yeah, they did some awful things to her, but she was the smart one, she kicked some ass. The “Girl” that’s “Gone,” has gotta be the smart one in this book/movie for it to be so popular. Yeah, that’s it. It’s not going to be all rapy. I can watch this. It will be neat to see how she gets her husband electrocuted because he cheated on her. Oh wow, he definitely is going to cheat on her. She’s going to be hot too, and young. Are we going to get another young 20’s Megan Fox out of this? Hopefully. I’m going to check it’s IMDB page for a hot 20ish year old. 

Holy Jesus look at that smoke-show. Yeah, that's definitely going to be her. Ok back to the electrocution though. Maybe it will be in some weird state where the government kills him the same way they believe he killed his wife, even though he didn’t. That would be cruel, and cool. Maybe it will be like a bitter wife version of “The Life of David Gale.” Yeah, that’ll be awesome. I’ll pay to see that.

                Let’s fast forward to now. Damn you Bart from 24 hours ago. Damn you straight to hell for thinking that. Why didn’t you see all the red flags. It’s got Madea for Christ’s sake. I’m sorry, I could have just said Tyler Perry, that’s just as bad. And of course you knew Ben Affleck was in the damn thing. Oh, what’s that you say, Ben Affleck just won an Oscar? Yeah? You know what movie he made after his last Oscar? Phantoms. Yes, it was a movie, and it was just as unintentionally hilarious as the title suggests. Please look it up. He obviously loses all of judgment after success. Holy shit, remember he was in a J-Lo video. Seriously, a fucking J-Lo video. Why did I let myself get my hopes up for this movie?

                So, the first two hours of the movie went to pretty much anybody’s expectations that actually thought about the title and its popularity beforehand. What followed in the remaining half hour was a top rate argument for mass sterilizations. Oh my Lord there are so many angles to go at this. I think the best way to tackle this is to just start rambling. Was Roger Goodell the fucking head of the FBI? They take a drugged woman that just said she was kidnapped and incessantly raped, and have her make a statement in front of two dozen random agents in a hall/lobbyish type area of a hospital open to people walking by? I think there might have even been press within ear shot. I’m sorry, it might have been the lobby of the police station but it was tough to focus on that because, because "no fucking way" is because. That’s not how that questioning takes place. Holy shit, we’ll get back to the questioning in a second. There was a big word I glossed over back there. The rape! Damn it I thought this movie wasn’t going to be all rapy. Yeah, you sick perverts, she says she got raped for weeks. What’s worse than that is she didn’t get raped by a captor. She raped her own vagina with a damn wine bottle. What’s that? I’m the sick one for saying that? Millions of woman across this country have bought this book/ticket and then suggested it to friends. Facepalm.  

What kind of sick fucking creatures are entertained by that shit?  It gets worse. So she’s never actually raped, but she does seduce Doogie Howser, by the way, excellent performance by Dougie as a creepy-ass-dude. After seducing Doogie, and in the throes of what is a rather awkward yet passionate sex scene, she slices open his damn throat like a Tauntaun’s belly while he’s heaving on top of her, literally showering her in blood like she’s fucking Carrie. Stopping here for a second, I will never be in a room alone with any woman who has read this book and could possibly think it is anything but snuff.

Ok, I don’t even want to think about that part anymore. Moving on. There are plenty of plot fails involving the Doogie portion of the movie, so I’ll go through them quickly. Did this pregnant neighbor piss in an empty toilet, or can a reliable test be taken from a sample diluted by gallons of water? Where's the wine bottle she used? Wheres the dress with the “rape blood,” which was actually wine? Where was she "tied" up for hours everyday? Maybe a random long payphone call could be suspicious? Where the fuck is this wound on your head that produced a pint of blood that was on the floor in the kitchen? Can we do a simple timeline of the Punch & Judy murder weapon handle? The video camera’s? Oh that’s a big one, the video camera’s. She says she was taken to the damn house after she was kidnapped even though the fifty camera’s show she didn’t get there till weeks later. Oh, and some rich creepy dude that has dozens of cameras on his property doesn’t have ANY inside the house? That's just enough of all that. I can’t even go into any of those. I already saved you from going over the first two hours of absurd blunders, no sense in elaborating on the post Doogie mistakes. But, in a murder mystery, how do the F.B.I. agents never do any legitimate follow up questions, relying wholly on her 60 second convoluted statement which at best, explained practically nothing? It’s become too frustrating to continue. I have to skip ahead.

So, she completely fucking gets away with it. Affleck now knows she plotted her entire disappearance/murder so that he would get the death penalty. And he knows that she framed Doogie for kidnapping/rape, then slit his damn throat. After all of that, he says absolutely nothing to the F.B.I. and goes home alone with her. Yes, he actually goes home with her, ALONE. That’s it, fuck this movie. I quit. I have to stop letting myself get upset over this stuff. Damn it. Wait. No, there's one more. He decides to raise a fucking kid with her. Seriously. I tap out now. That’s it. For real this time. I can’t think about this movie anymore. I am losing my grip on what society is. Millions of people enjoyed this book/movie. What is wrong with this world? I’m very scared right now. A little lonely, but mostly scared. Women scare me. Yes, the chick in the movie, but more so, the millions of real life humans that enjoyed this movie. What if I'm in an elevator and there's a woman behind me? Did she read this book? Did she tell her friends in any way that this book/movie was good? Is she going to slit my throat from behind, bathe in my blood, then tell all of my loved ones and friends that I assaulted her? This is the way this movie makes me think now. It has completely disparaged my once lofty regard for women's deductive reasoning and overall sense of decency. Please tell me the NSA is keeping track of the women that bought this book. I like my life. I want to live. So, if I end up dead in some elevator, and this is my last post, all I can say is, thank you for reading, and until next time, GB² (Good Bye & God Bless).

REDBOX REVIEW REQUEST

These are all of the movies I've seen that can be found right now at your local RedBox. I just haven't had the time to write the review yet. So, if you were thinking one looked good, leave a message below and I'll write a review. I promise not to give away the end. This will be updated regularly.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

THOR

IRON MAN
IRON MAN 2
DARK TIDE

THE SITTER

THE DESCENDANTS

DARKEST HOUR

YOUNG ADULT

WAR HORSE

TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY

MAX PAIN

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO

TOWER HEIST

WHATS YOUR NUMBER?

MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE

LONDON BOULEVARD

THE RUM DIARY

BREAKING DAWN

CONTAGION

DRIVE

RETREAT

REAL STEEL

50/50

IDES OF MARCH

ABDUCTION

BUCKY LARSON

PLANET OF THE APES

MONEYBALL

COWBOYS VS ALIENS

MR. POPPERS PENGUINS

HANGOVER II

ROLE MODELS

COLUMBIANA

FRIGHT NIGHT

CHANGE UP

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

CRAZY STUPID LOVE

30 MINUTES OR LESS

OUR IDIOT BROTHER

SUPER 8

HORRIBLE BOSSES

GREEN LANTERN

BRIDESMAIDS

BAD TEACHER

RED STATE

ZOOKEEPER

SALT

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

IMMORTALS

THE JUDGE SAYS: Oil covered shaved-chest men roll around on the ground together to the delight of adolescent boys everywhere!

You have to think for a moment and guess who is the target audience they are shooting for here? Could it be the overwhelming number of Greek mythology enthusiasts we have in America.  That seems to be a viable option, but my best guess is they were aiming for males, ages 10-25, who have been raised on WWF, or whatever they call the fake wrestling these days, whom are still oblivious to the fact that if you get all excited watching oiled up men grope each other, that doesn’t make you tough, that makes you AWESOME! Well, at least that’s what I think they believe.  

Anyways, as far as the story line is concerned I would expect something epic. You know “epic”, as in it’s definition, not necessarily from a poem, but referring to the plights and feats of a legendary hero. Not, as you may have heard this week from a person wearing florescent rimmed sunglasses at Coachella ,”Its was hella sweet, Bon Iver played as the sun was setting behind them, it was sooo EPIC!” And of course EPIC is pronounced in a drawn out deep guttural voice. But enough of my predictions, lets get to the movie.

I press PLAY. Queue Socrates quote. Next? You guessed it, BONDAGE! No joke, seriously. First shot is of a bunch of naked dudes gagged and bound in a bright gold cage. Some dude walks into the room straight off the Eye’s Wide Shut set wearing a mask and cloak. My best and only guess at this point is Zed and the Gimp are going to walk through that door next. Oh, wait, it was just a dream, pshheewwwww. That was close, I almost had to hit fast forward in the first 10 seconds.

The next 40 minutes is a blur predictable character building scenes coupled with sprinkles of “Mom gets her throat sliced” and “conniving traitor ends up being unfair.” The one redeeming quality of this segment of the movie is that the bad guy, Mickey Rourke, talks like Yoda. But not in a wise way, more like he’s done entirely too much cocaine in his life to remember his lines. It’s rather comical. After only one scene I found myself rooting for him. Well, what-do-you-know, he rewarded me for my loyalty in the very next scene when Yoda had the traitors balls smashed with a sledgehammer. Very graphic. What’s even better is this mutilation only came after several poignant emasculating insults which cut deep into the fabric of what it is to be a man. You would think the traitor would not be pleased with his newfound ballless self. Turns out this quasi eunuch is pleased to serve out the rest of this movie as Yoda’s henchman.

Surprisingly enough, we find ourselves over half way through the movie before you get one of those, “you gotta be f’n kidding me” moments. The storyline remains intact when finally the bad guys double cross the good guys and corner them on a boat. The good guys “genius strategic maneuver” to evade the bad guys was to wait till the last second and jump off. I guess the bad guys never noticed they were endowed with the same physical ability, that being the ability to jump. Needless to say, jumping and continuing their pursuit would have been a far better life choice than simply stopping, turning to see a tidal wave, and cower to wait for their inevitable death. My description might have led you to believe the bad guys proximity to the tsunami was much closer, but that was not the case. As a matter of fact, everyone was on the same boat deck, and the wave started at least a mile off shore giving everyone ample time to find safety. Several other issues that arise with this scene are one, what was the God thinking when he started the wave, and two, how does jumping into a rock crevice along the shore protect you from drowning as a 100 foot wave passes by?

So this God Duderonomous or something, was given explicit instructions not to interfere with the humans fight. If he did not obey his penalty would be death. For some reason he was so overwhelmed with worry for the good guys safety that he sacrifices his immortality to get them out of trouble.  Remember now, this is a God.  He has all the capabilities that he can imagine at his disposal to save them. So what do he do? Tidal wave! Yep. A tidal wave. It seems he didn’t notice the people he was trying to save were on a boat. That was whicked smmmaaatt. Just as a quick update, Yoda continually gets 10 second check-ins where he never fails to kill a man, whether it’s justified or not. But back to the “how do you not drown under a tidal wave”, as was previously questioned. There are two lines of thought here. One, Duderonomous put up a protective shield around them off screen once he realized this wave he created was an extremely poor choice of methods to save his pals. And two, which is most likely, they needed an excuse to oil them up. I was joking back in the beginning of this about oiled up wrestlers, I take that back, because they are literally “oiled up.” That was a tidal wave of oil for some reason which left them all slick black and shiny. The fact that they were covered in sexy oil pretty much eliminates my thought that Dude put up a shield, so we are just going to have to go with the good guys can hold their breath a lot longer than the bad guys.

As we get toward the end we begin to see Yoda’s plan come to fruition. It is evil and creepy but he actually has a very interesting view on immortality which differs from the Gods. His goal is to have the Gods battle the Titans, both of which are “immortal” under any standard definition, except of course when fighting each other. The idea is after they conveniently all kill each other and Yoda, with his army, will be the most powerful being there is. So by pillaging all over the globe and planting his “seed”, aka raping every woman in the world, “There will never be a moment when the sun sets on my blood.” Pretty despicable, the whole raping thing, but none the less, an interesting viewpoint on immortality. Thereby making him immortal and hopefully creating a box office franchise.

Once this is explained all well and good, you’d think we could just get on with our mano y mano final battle, but no. Everyone back to their corners, regroup for another 15 minutes of sword fighting. At one point I thought they must have stolen the Simpson’s choreographer from the fight when Bart says “I’m going to keep punching, and if you run into it, its your fault.” Then Lisa says, “I’m going to keep kicking, and if you run into it, its your fault.” You could blatantly see 3 guys in the corner who all took turns hitting each other in the shoulder. That must have been a long shoot that day. Then I fast forwarded through what appeared to be several cool new ways to chop a mans head off, until I saw Zed’s Gymps reappear from the opening scene. Turns out they were the Titans who were now unleashed to fight the lightly golden bronze chested Gods. They go though the motions blah blah until we get to the title fight. YODA VS. GOOD GUY #1. Yoda is dealing out a thorough ass whooping until he gives this douche-bag a moment for his final words. What does Yoda get for this brief show of respect? Shit on! He gets shit on I tell you. This jerk stabs him in the foot, pins him on the ground, then steals Russell Crowes slow-knife-in-neck-fatality from Gladiator. That pissed me off. I really thought Yoda had a chance here. He would have been a much more viable character for a sequel.

Overall,  what you’re going to remember from this one is that Mickey Rourke is a cool ass dude and this Henry Cavill has a weird effeminate yell that will not work well in action movies. Unfortunately he actually landed the lead in the new Superman franchise. Which goes to show you, that movie is going to blow goats. People laughed at Robert Downey Jr. as a super hero, now that’s a billion dollar franchise. So when rebooting Superman they chose an effeminate model. Solid choice. Well, thank you for reading, and until next time, GB².