THE JUDGE
SAYS: Christopher Nolan, go back to making Indies. Nonsensical-wonder-what-logic
only works when you’re 22, high, and stumble upon Momento as an excuse to skip
doing homework.
Damn,
seriously, I have to stop getting my hopes up for movies. You can see how I was
duped here though. The dude turns down a bunch of movies and waits years to get
all the top A-List actors to do his “genre breaking” space movie. I’m thinking
a once in a generation movie. I’m thinking ALIEN.
I’m thinking 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. I’ll
even be happy with STARGATE or STARMAN. It’s safe to say I was not prepared
for an idiotic, frustrating plot. And I
certainly wasn’t prepared for,
Let’s
throw them a bone here, the movie is visually stunning, but it’s tough to appreciate
when you want to karate-punch everything in the throat. Oh, I got it. I know
how to make this movie great. Just
mentally cast Steven Segal in place of McConaughey. So, if you disregard my
suggestion and go see this movie, just imagine Matthew McConaughey as Steven
Segal and all of the gratuitous emotion and seriousness will be tempered.
Ok,
back to the plot. SPOILERS. And just so you know, it isn’t me spoiling the
movie, it’s everyone involved in making this crap that spoiled it. They ruined the movie, I’m just telling you about it. So the
easiest way to explain how nonsensical this movie is, is by explaining their perceived
goals, then analyzing how they go about them. You will find the “how they go
about them” is what is completely convoluted, illogical, and almost
intentionally irrational in order to add a mystical element. It’s so silly that
at one point you just throw your hands up and say, “I guess he really wanted a
damn ghost.”
HERE IS THE MAIN
OBJECTIVE: Human existence on Earth is going to end within a few generations
for some unavoidable reason. The few
leading scientists left on Earth try to devise a Plan A, that transports a good
amount of people on Earth to a habitual planet, and a Plan B, that starts a little
human colony from fertilized eggs on a habitable planet.
At
this point everything seams on the up and up. They add a little bit of mysticism
next, but you just kinda have to go with it, because, well because it’s
interesting, and necessary for there to be a movie. Someone has put a wormhole
next to Saturn. We inherently know how to navigate it to get anywhere in the
known Universe quickly… We’re just going to have to swallow that one whole. I
accept that, I don’t need them wasting time telling us some garbage how they
know. Done, we can move on. This movie is building positive momentum.
What would you do next? Send a scout team?
Exactly. They do just that. They send 12 of them. 12 human scientist scouts. Clap, applaud, all of that. But this is where the movie, by not using deductive logic, causes a galactic shit storm. The whole movie could have been smooth and easy. The problem is, they called one of the options PLAN B, insinuating it could not be attempted until PLAN A was fully exhausted. If they would have just called it PLAN EGG, and PLAN RELOCATE POPULATION, they could have attempted both simultaneously. Misconstruing the ability of deploying Plan B is at the very heart of what ruined this movie.
ALL OF THE SCOUT TEAMS COULD HAVE JUST TAKEN A SMALL EGG COLONY TO EACH OF THE PLANETS. Done! There would have been some hope on the back burner that one or all of these colonies would flourish. The rest of the movie could be spent on trying to save the people left on Earth.
INSTEAD, they send one McConaughey/Hathaway ship with one egg colony on it. This ship needs to find the one planet that they can plant the eggs and tent, then they are supposedly free to come back to Earth. Now remember, this would all be ABSOLUTLY POINTLESS if they just sent eggs and tents with the human scouts. Since they didn’t, we know spend a majority of the movie making up for this.
We can take a couple things for granted from here on out. People are going to unnecessarily lie a lot, and Magic Mike should have sent better fucking messages. You know what, we don’t even need to go over the 2 hours of drama and pining by McConaughey over his daughter. The point is, the main scientist on Earth, Micheal Cain, and the main scientist on one of the 12 possible planets…
lied about
there ever being a PLAN A. It didn’t exist. We are going to skip the whole 25
minutes of Matt Damon making this unbearable and you’re just going to have to
take my word for it. Just know, those who about the fake Plan A are distraught
or dead. Everyone on Earth was just left to die. The movie wines about this for
a solid 20 minutes before they move on.
When they finally do move on, they
say, Plan A was a dud because the rest of the information to the key equation
rests in a black hole (different from the wormhole). That was there legitimate
excuse. Now this is where it gets downright stupefying, brace yourself for
entry.
Anne Hathaway and EDTV now have
enough fuel to check out one last planet, to plant the eggs on. They will not
be able to make it back to Earth. Just as they are about to go on their mery
way and plant the colony, McConaughey uses some logic for once and thinks,
hell, how about I try out this black hole thing and see if I can get the other
half of the equation to save the people on Earth? No one thought of this yet,
by the way.
What do you know, he goes into the
black hole, with a sidekick computer, and they survive! Turns out the center of
a black hole is his daughters bedroom at any time in his history. This is not a
joke. This is where they went with this. The daughter earlier in the movie kept
saying ghosts were trying to talk to her in her room, and you know what, as we
all gasp, SHE WAS RIGHT! The Ghost was her father from the 5th
dimension black hole future trying to horribly communicate to her!
You are not allowed to walk out of
the theatre yet. You have spent 142 minutes in that chair, you have 26 minutes
left in you. SIT DOWN. It was established very early that the
child/girl/daughter knows Morse code. Instead of giving the child concise
instructions, saving years and years of effort and many lives, he waits until
she is an adult to give her the other half of the equation they got from the
black hole. Face Palm. You may be thinking, oh, but he needed a specific object
to communicate with her that didn’t exist until later. Nope, he can do just
about anything by just saying it from the black hole bedroom and bam, it just
happens.
Well, eventually she gets the code
and we are left to assume she was able to vacate the entire planet. NO. Whats
that? They didn’t end up on one of those 12 planets. McConaughey gets spit out
of the black hole, intact, infront of a Saturn Space Station? Fuck you!
Seriously. How does a movie this big get away with this shit? So, it’s like 120ish
years later now because the black hole sucks up time to the extent of one
lifetime, not exponentially, like anyone would be lead to believe by a rudimentary
understanding of spacetime. He ends up on a space station that his daughter
invented based on the numbers he sent her as a ghost. Touching I know. Oh
bastard, now he’s going to get to keep his promise to her, that he’d come back.
Some one shoot him, please. So, even though its 120 years later, his daughter
is still alive. They hug, don’t say a word about the progress of the species
other than acknowledging the are a couple of these tiny space stations, but she
spends a majority of this nauseatingly sappy conversation saying how she knew
it was him sending the messages, even though in all this fucking code he sent
her HE NEVER ONCE SAID, THIS IS YOUR FATHER TALKING TO YOU FROM THE 5TH
DIMENSION OF A BLACK HOLE.
That would have been the first thing
I said. Number one. But no, he never sends her a single message saying its him.
SHOOT THIS MAN! Now it’s supposed to be touching that she “thought” it was him.
HE COULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD HER!
Arggggg. So Surfer Dude is still a
young man now, so he says fuck this saving everyone and helping them understand
black holes. He steals a damn spaceship and goes straight to Anne Hathaway, which,
somehow, we are lead to believe has been left unattended for 120 Earth years. Don’t
give these people your money. Thank you for
reading, and until next time GB²
