IN TIME

THE JUDGE SAYS: There is a reason they couldn’t find a real actor to do this movie.

IN TIME
    Robinhood 2212. Mr. Timberlake is from the ghetto , dates Bill Gates daughter, and tries to tear down the worlds economy as they know it. Unfortunately no dancing, but he does still get to use his choreographer for a few fight scenes.
    I do give them credit for not even bothering to explain why or how it is possible for someone to stop aging after turning 25. They simply take it as inherent fact. Kudos for that. What I did find a bit disturbing is that, even though this society appears to be on the forefront of technology, no one has a cell phone.  No cell phones, really? Conveeeeeeenient. Several dilemmas in the movie could have easily been avoided with a simple phone call. My favorite of which was his mother running out of time due to an unscheduled increase of the bus fare. It was hard not to laugh when she dies while lunging into his arms. What you will notice while chuckling to yourself is that it appears as if JT is laughing too. This is actually him “crying”. JTs’ sobbing performance combined the with the aforementioned ill timed death of his mother is a one-two punch of knee slapping comedy that hasn’t been rivaled since “The Jerk”. Literally, you will laugh out loud. Pray that the remote is close so you can rewind this gem.
    One of the ways they try to show JTs street smarts’ is with a game called “time fighting“. This game is an emotional thrill ride which can be played to the death. I’m pretty sure they were shooting for something along the lines of Russian roulette from the Deer Hunter. Boy did they ever. Nailed it! I had goosebumps… I mean I had nausea, a horrible bout of nausea. The way this game works is two people lock hands and the person with their wrist on top, is the winner. That’s it. It helps if you scowl but otherwise there is nothing else to it. If Sly from “Over the Top” was in this movie, he would be a billionaire.
    The one shining ray of light we gained from this movie is Amanda Seyfried. Turns out she is even hotter as a red head. I fully expect her career to blossom now that she has shown such a diverse skill set. You know, she can wear a wig, the sky’s the limit. So, by the looks of it, if she can avoid the nose candy diet for another two years while she gets into her first B actor marriage, she should be ready for her Oscar nod shortly after that divorce. We will set the over/under at 2017. As far as JT is concerned, he will long have been out of the closet by then. No one is buying that an international superstar who could have any woman he wants chooses to date old chicks, Janet Jackson and  Cameron Diaz, followed up with a washed up actress who is on the outs in Hollywood, Jessica Beal. Obviously their agents put that one together. And yes, I am ashamed that I know of three women JT has dated. Ahh shit, four, forgot about Britney. I need to go on probation for that one. Thank you for reading, and until next time, GB² (Good bye, God Bless).

TWELVE

THE JUDGE SAYS: Some Freshman at State is going to have an awesome poster of this in his dorm. Upon asking him about it, he will say it is deep on many levels.

TWELVE
    Think “Rules of Attraction” meets “The Wackness”.  The key here is we have a drug dealer. That’s a good start. Then interweave; elitist teens, a new “E” style drug, an “only to make it interesting” insane brother, and of course, 50 Cent.  Walla! Now you have several mundane story lines compiled into an epic smorgasbord of sex, drugs, and MURDER!
    The main character seems like a cool dude and mature beyond his years. You “Mike”, have peaked my interest, lets see what you will do next, I’m sure I will agree with it and it will be awesome.  Enter love interest. I do not agree with you and you suck. It comes off as force fed. He tries to hide his new identity as the drug dealer “White Mike,” so the chick will date him.  What a D-bag.  He spends twenty minutes of the movie planning this lunch so they could “talk”. Once there, she blatantly says, and by blatantly I mean tip toes around it with feelings and code, that other dudes want to bang her so he should man up and quit being such a pussy. Immediately after which, he leaves. That whole scene took about one minute. Twenty seconds of which was spent holding back vomit after they used an endearing personal catch phrase they must have came up with as children. From here on out I only watched hoping that his life would end at the hands of 50 Cent due to a thorough ass whooping followed by a point blank shotgun blast to the head.  Sorry, that was mean, I gotta tell you right now, that doesn’t happen. Didn’t mean to get your hopes up. (SPOILER)50 does pop some caps in dat ass, but it was not nearly as satisfying as I hoped it would be.
     Ok, back to the rest of this, where was I? Oh yeah, the police get involved a couple times and it turns out they have never seen an episode of Law and Order, nor have they ever heard the phrase, “I would like to speak to my lawyer.” On top of that, CSI New York must have been canceled because they would’ve figured this shit out before their first commercial break. The more I think about this movie, the more retarded I realize it is. Did you know that you can go from a valedictorian super athlete to a full blown drug addict who resorts to prostitution in the span of two days? Well, now you do.
    Last but definitely least, was the ending. Things might have pieced together quite well if they just left it alone. Along the way, they could have completed some nice character and plot arcs. (SPOILER) So instead of leaving things be, to follow their natural progression, they reintroduce a roided up brother who decides to go all Columbine over the big party at the end. Lots of people die, unfortunately White Mike is not one of them. What’s even worse is his idealistic classy girl-next-door love interest chick, who properly told him off for the plethora of bull he was trying to pull with her, quickly relents, practically in the same sentence, and says all is ok and forgotten if he quits selling drugs. That’s how quickly she changed her tune. My guess is that he continued selling and just hides it from her. We will never know, because there will never be a sequel.       The only other thing to say is… 50 Cent, phenomenal! Thank you for reading, and until next time, GB².