TWELVE

THE JUDGE SAYS: Some Freshman at State is going to have an awesome poster of this in his dorm. Upon asking him about it, he will say it is deep on many levels.

TWELVE
    Think “Rules of Attraction” meets “The Wackness”.  The key here is we have a drug dealer. That’s a good start. Then interweave; elitist teens, a new “E” style drug, an “only to make it interesting” insane brother, and of course, 50 Cent.  Walla! Now you have several mundane story lines compiled into an epic smorgasbord of sex, drugs, and MURDER!
    The main character seems like a cool dude and mature beyond his years. You “Mike”, have peaked my interest, lets see what you will do next, I’m sure I will agree with it and it will be awesome.  Enter love interest. I do not agree with you and you suck. It comes off as force fed. He tries to hide his new identity as the drug dealer “White Mike,” so the chick will date him.  What a D-bag.  He spends twenty minutes of the movie planning this lunch so they could “talk”. Once there, she blatantly says, and by blatantly I mean tip toes around it with feelings and code, that other dudes want to bang her so he should man up and quit being such a pussy. Immediately after which, he leaves. That whole scene took about one minute. Twenty seconds of which was spent holding back vomit after they used an endearing personal catch phrase they must have came up with as children. From here on out I only watched hoping that his life would end at the hands of 50 Cent due to a thorough ass whooping followed by a point blank shotgun blast to the head.  Sorry, that was mean, I gotta tell you right now, that doesn’t happen. Didn’t mean to get your hopes up. (SPOILER)50 does pop some caps in dat ass, but it was not nearly as satisfying as I hoped it would be.
     Ok, back to the rest of this, where was I? Oh yeah, the police get involved a couple times and it turns out they have never seen an episode of Law and Order, nor have they ever heard the phrase, “I would like to speak to my lawyer.” On top of that, CSI New York must have been canceled because they would’ve figured this shit out before their first commercial break. The more I think about this movie, the more retarded I realize it is. Did you know that you can go from a valedictorian super athlete to a full blown drug addict who resorts to prostitution in the span of two days? Well, now you do.
    Last but definitely least, was the ending. Things might have pieced together quite well if they just left it alone. Along the way, they could have completed some nice character and plot arcs. (SPOILER) So instead of leaving things be, to follow their natural progression, they reintroduce a roided up brother who decides to go all Columbine over the big party at the end. Lots of people die, unfortunately White Mike is not one of them. What’s even worse is his idealistic classy girl-next-door love interest chick, who properly told him off for the plethora of bull he was trying to pull with her, quickly relents, practically in the same sentence, and says all is ok and forgotten if he quits selling drugs. That’s how quickly she changed her tune. My guess is that he continued selling and just hides it from her. We will never know, because there will never be a sequel.       The only other thing to say is… 50 Cent, phenomenal! Thank you for reading, and until next time, GB².