GONE GIRL

                                                  

THE JUDGE SAYS:             DERRRR, They put word’s in sentence form and I watched the story in my head. Now they change words into moving pictures and I can watch the story with my eyes. YAY!... Ben Affleck!

                Law & Order SVU meets, I’m sorry, I had a deadline and didn’t have time to write a plausible ending... But it’s got Ben Affleck! And like, lots people have read the book. Did you know it was a book?

“OMG, the book is soooo awesome. I mean, the twists in it; it’s the smartest book I’ve read, in like, a long time.”

                Turns out, we need to stop implying there is inherent worth in the act of reading. People “read” horoscopes. People “read” pamphlets on creationism. People “read” Gone Girl.

                Let’s get back to what I was thinking before I saw the movie... Murder mysteries are usually a solid bet. Hell, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was pretty good, minus all the rapy stuff. Oh, wait, Gone Girl? This girl is going to be abducted. Someone is probably going to do some awful things to her. I don’t think I want to watch 150 minutes (yeah, 2&½ hours) of detectives speculating on how a woman was chopped up. Damn it, is that what this movie is, a 2&½ hour SVU episode? No, it’s gotta be more Dragony. The Dragon Lady was the badass in the movie. Yeah, they did some awful things to her, but she was the smart one, she kicked some ass. The “Girl” that’s “Gone,” has gotta be the smart one in this book/movie for it to be so popular. Yeah, that’s it. It’s not going to be all rapy. I can watch this. It will be neat to see how she gets her husband electrocuted because he cheated on her. Oh wow, he definitely is going to cheat on her. She’s going to be hot too, and young. Are we going to get another young 20’s Megan Fox out of this? Hopefully. I’m going to check it’s IMDB page for a hot 20ish year old. 

Holy Jesus look at that smoke-show. Yeah, that's definitely going to be her. Ok back to the electrocution though. Maybe it will be in some weird state where the government kills him the same way they believe he killed his wife, even though he didn’t. That would be cruel, and cool. Maybe it will be like a bitter wife version of “The Life of David Gale.” Yeah, that’ll be awesome. I’ll pay to see that.

                Let’s fast forward to now. Damn you Bart from 24 hours ago. Damn you straight to hell for thinking that. Why didn’t you see all the red flags. It’s got Madea for Christ’s sake. I’m sorry, I could have just said Tyler Perry, that’s just as bad. And of course you knew Ben Affleck was in the damn thing. Oh, what’s that you say, Ben Affleck just won an Oscar? Yeah? You know what movie he made after his last Oscar? Phantoms. Yes, it was a movie, and it was just as unintentionally hilarious as the title suggests. Please look it up. He obviously loses all of judgment after success. Holy shit, remember he was in a J-Lo video. Seriously, a fucking J-Lo video. Why did I let myself get my hopes up for this movie?

                So, the first two hours of the movie went to pretty much anybody’s expectations that actually thought about the title and its popularity beforehand. What followed in the remaining half hour was a top rate argument for mass sterilizations. Oh my Lord there are so many angles to go at this. I think the best way to tackle this is to just start rambling. Was Roger Goodell the fucking head of the FBI? They take a drugged woman that just said she was kidnapped and incessantly raped, and have her make a statement in front of two dozen random agents in a hall/lobbyish type area of a hospital open to people walking by? I think there might have even been press within ear shot. I’m sorry, it might have been the lobby of the police station but it was tough to focus on that because, because "no fucking way" is because. That’s not how that questioning takes place. Holy shit, we’ll get back to the questioning in a second. There was a big word I glossed over back there. The rape! Damn it I thought this movie wasn’t going to be all rapy. Yeah, you sick perverts, she says she got raped for weeks. What’s worse than that is she didn’t get raped by a captor. She raped her own vagina with a damn wine bottle. What’s that? I’m the sick one for saying that? Millions of woman across this country have bought this book/ticket and then suggested it to friends. Facepalm.  

What kind of sick fucking creatures are entertained by that shit?  It gets worse. So she’s never actually raped, but she does seduce Doogie Howser, by the way, excellent performance by Dougie as a creepy-ass-dude. After seducing Doogie, and in the throes of what is a rather awkward yet passionate sex scene, she slices open his damn throat like a Tauntaun’s belly while he’s heaving on top of her, literally showering her in blood like she’s fucking Carrie. Stopping here for a second, I will never be in a room alone with any woman who has read this book and could possibly think it is anything but snuff.

Ok, I don’t even want to think about that part anymore. Moving on. There are plenty of plot fails involving the Doogie portion of the movie, so I’ll go through them quickly. Did this pregnant neighbor piss in an empty toilet, or can a reliable test be taken from a sample diluted by gallons of water? Where's the wine bottle she used? Wheres the dress with the “rape blood,” which was actually wine? Where was she "tied" up for hours everyday? Maybe a random long payphone call could be suspicious? Where the fuck is this wound on your head that produced a pint of blood that was on the floor in the kitchen? Can we do a simple timeline of the Punch & Judy murder weapon handle? The video camera’s? Oh that’s a big one, the video camera’s. She says she was taken to the damn house after she was kidnapped even though the fifty camera’s show she didn’t get there till weeks later. Oh, and some rich creepy dude that has dozens of cameras on his property doesn’t have ANY inside the house? That's just enough of all that. I can’t even go into any of those. I already saved you from going over the first two hours of absurd blunders, no sense in elaborating on the post Doogie mistakes. But, in a murder mystery, how do the F.B.I. agents never do any legitimate follow up questions, relying wholly on her 60 second convoluted statement which at best, explained practically nothing? It’s become too frustrating to continue. I have to skip ahead.

So, she completely fucking gets away with it. Affleck now knows she plotted her entire disappearance/murder so that he would get the death penalty. And he knows that she framed Doogie for kidnapping/rape, then slit his damn throat. After all of that, he says absolutely nothing to the F.B.I. and goes home alone with her. Yes, he actually goes home with her, ALONE. That’s it, fuck this movie. I quit. I have to stop letting myself get upset over this stuff. Damn it. Wait. No, there's one more. He decides to raise a fucking kid with her. Seriously. I tap out now. That’s it. For real this time. I can’t think about this movie anymore. I am losing my grip on what society is. Millions of people enjoyed this book/movie. What is wrong with this world? I’m very scared right now. A little lonely, but mostly scared. Women scare me. Yes, the chick in the movie, but more so, the millions of real life humans that enjoyed this movie. What if I'm in an elevator and there's a woman behind me? Did she read this book? Did she tell her friends in any way that this book/movie was good? Is she going to slit my throat from behind, bathe in my blood, then tell all of my loved ones and friends that I assaulted her? This is the way this movie makes me think now. It has completely disparaged my once lofty regard for women's deductive reasoning and overall sense of decency. Please tell me the NSA is keeping track of the women that bought this book. I like my life. I want to live. So, if I end up dead in some elevator, and this is my last post, all I can say is, thank you for reading, and until next time, GB² (Good Bye & God Bless).